For three years, I was in a girl’s fast-pitch softball league. One of the first things I learned was; don’t throw the ball at someone who isn’t looking. After all, you might smack them in the head (if you’ve never played softball, the ball *really* isn’t all that soft) and they will likely miss the ball. If it happens during a game you may give away a base to the other team. Then, when your team comes in to bat, (which of course was delayed by your mistake), your coach yells at you, your teammate glares at you whilst she ices the lump on her head, and the whole team is grumpy because you all are now one more run behind.
If you look around, this metaphor is all throughout life: don’t put something out unless you are sure it will be accepted: In the bible we are told not to put pearls before swine. Us Gen-x ers made it a religion in the 80’s: Its all about you: keep things to yourself, don’t share, don’t risk.
Its like when you shout, “Hi Sam!” to a friend you see across the room, and they don’t hear you, but others do. You smile your best “I really do know them, I’m not a stalker” expression at those looking. Acutely aware of these witnesses to your humiliation, you now have three choices: 1) Yell again even louder and risk Sam not hearing you again, 2) Run up to him and tap him on the shoulder or 3) give up altogether.
The riskiest of these choices is to yell again. It requires you to do something that has failed once, and put more of yourself out there by filling up your lungs and shouting even louder: you have to intrude on the world with your voice, your presence, your self.
Lobbing something out there and not having it caught feels terribly vulnerable. So we wait for an invitation, a connection; some sort of sign that what we have to offer is wanted. We wait for safety.
Now, don’t get me wrong, safety is essential, especially when it involves a potential concussion. But, playing it safe often puts us in a victim mode – especially if all we are risking is embarrassment. We end up passive; every interaction becomes cautious and quiet as we wait for the world to invite us to make noise. The problem is, these invitations are rare. We begin to disappear, to doubt that we have anything worth making noise over.
In acting class, we use an exercise to increase connections between actors. We stand in a circle, someone makes eye contact across the circle, and “tosses” a verbal cue to the other person; such as “Trisha, yellow!” Trisha catches the imaginary ball and says, “Thank you yellow, Dan – yellow!” as she fires it off to the next recipient. Things get really crazy as we start several imaginary colored balls in differing orders. You have to be open, and receiving all the time. The giver also has to be persistent and make sure the receiver is ready. More than once, I’ve stood there, imaginary balls piling up on me as I try to get someone’s attention across the circle. I have to persist and MAKE NOISE: “Cindy! Cindy! CINDY! Green!”
Doing this exercise allowed me to hear the mental messages I have to fight. No one is going to get hurt. The message in my head tells me I have no worth in the world, that I’m meaningless to the person I’m trying to connect with. How DARE I bother them? That lack of reception can feel so personal. This exercise makes it obvious: my receiver is just getting a LOT of input, and I need to verbally elbow my way in there, and toss the ball.
We have to persist; we have to connect. The more I put it out there, the more I find people WANT what I have, but it’s up to ME to get the reception.
How about you? Do you have a message you are trying to find receivers for? Are you auditioning for a role, trying to sell your paintings, seeking a publisher? The list is endless. Clear your throat, take a deep voice, and shout!
Make a comment below, drop me an email, share if this resonates with you! A safe environment is essential to practice raising your voice. The network is growing, and we all can lift each other up and help our messages find receivers.